"It's a piece of crap"

I've always wanted to say that about a product, and god knows many products have deserved it, but when I was publishing hardware and software reviews, I always tried to be balanced and noninflammatory.

I'm not in the computer tech world anymore, so let me say this as an ordinary user, passing along an opinion to friends: The new Zonealarm "Checkup" service is a total piece of crap. Stay far, far away.

Zonealarm "Checkup" is actually a front for Iolo's "System Mechanic" software, which I was never crazy about to begin with. But they've now jumped onto the FUD bandwagon and are using Fear, Uncertainty, and Doubt as a way to move product.

Many of you reading this know I have 30+ years in the PC business, mostly writing articles about how to keep your hardware and software humming smoothly. As a result, my systems are tuned and secured to the max. I do almost all significant system work and optimization manually or with semi-automated tools I've set up manually because I simply don't trust "black box" software to know my systems as well as I do. I have a multi-layered defense in place--- firewall, anti-spyware, anti-malware, antivirus, etc.--- and have a number of maintenance routines that run every night to clean and check my system. I know my system is OK.

But ZoneLabs/Alarm's "Checkup" rates my system status as "poor" and its security as "fair." Here are some of the details they report:

This, my friends, is a total crock. All--- every one--- of the "warnings" are bogus, as I discovered when I drilled down to their explanations.

Example 1: Checkup says I have two "active spyware infections." Checkup won't tell me what they are, of course, unless I buy their full software. But because I know what's on my system, I know that Checkup is lying. What it's really reporting is a couple of utterly harmless cookies.

Cookies are plain text files that constitute almost zero threat even in the worst of circumstances. The other 99.99% of the time, they truly are harmless. But cheesy security software likes to call all cookies "tracking cookies" because that makes them sound scarier, and theoretically makes you want to reach for your wallet to buy the software that will valiantly guard you against this (mostly nonexistant) threat. It's bad enough to call these harmless cookies "tracking cookies" but calling them "active spyware infections" takes fear-mongering to a whole new level. Nice work, Zonelabs! You've lowered the bar!

Example 2: Checkup says my system has too much "clutter," and goes on to say I have 121MB of junk files on my system. My system cleans itself every night; that 121MB of files is the normal irreducible collection of temp files that are produced by routine, ongong operation of my system. I can get the number of temp files lower if I shut down all apps and run a thorough cleanup, but as soon as I start using my PC for anything real, the number bumps back up again. These in-use temporary files only become junk when or if they're later orphaned and not cleaned up. Any real-world, in-use system will have some "clutter," and the presence of a small number of such files is totally meaningless. To point to these files and claim a system has too much "clutter" is, well, just plain lying.

Example 3: Checkup gives my Registry a failing grade because it contains 7 errors. I almost LOLed at this one. I've seen Registries with 7000 errors that still worked OK; and it's not at all uncommon for even a reasonably well-maintained Registry to have 700 errors. ("Errors" can be anything from real (but rare) stability-threatening screwups down to common but almost meaningless imperfections. While it's better to have as few errors as possible, most "errors" require no remedial action whatsoever.)

Seven errors is about as few as you'll ever see a Registry on a real-world, in-use PC. For Checkup to think this merits a failing grade is just plain silly.

There are many more examples, but the short form is that it's clear that Checkup is set to "fail" PCs for no good reason in order to scare you into buying their magical elixir, System Mechanic, which will fix all these supposed problems; even, I guess, the imaginary ones.

Don't fall for it. No matter what legitimate good that Registry Mechanic may do for your system, the fact that they're using bottom-feeding scare tactics to sell their software makes me want to avoid it--- and to tell all my friends to avoid it, too.

"Checkup" indeed. Hey, Zonealarm and Iolo: Turn your head and cough.