just a routine dentist visit

I had a routine dentist appointment yesterday. This particular dentist must have a lot of nervous patients because she has an automatic massage chair in her waiting room. It's a low-slung, deeply padded thing with an array of switches on the arms to control its many modes of heat and vibration.

I've never used it. About the last place I'd want a massage is in a dental office waiting room.

A young woman was in the chair today when I arrived. She was somewhat, um, voluptuous, and dressed in a loose cotton top. I sat on a normal chair a few feet away and started reading one of the thousand-year-old magazines on hand.

Bzzzzzzzz.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the young woman start to play with the massage chair's controls. I went back to reading.

BZZZZZZZZ.

Wow. I didn't know the chair went that fast or vibrated that hard. The young lady had her head back, eyes closed, and was obviously getting into the moment. Her hair, lips, and other parts all vibrated in synch with the chair. Back to reading, Fred.

Woomgawoomgawoomgawoomga.

Yikes! The whole chair was moving now. The original, jiggling vibration was still there as an undertone, but there was a distinct up and down motion now. I guess, technically, it was still just a low-frequency vibration, but the range of motion looked to be several inches. The lady's head was back, so it wasn't flopping atop her neck, but other parts of her anatomy were definitely nodding at me. BACK TO READING, FRED.

Mnowmnowmnowmnowmnowmnow.

Oh man. This was some kind of side to side mode, and it was very distracting. The untethered portions of the lady in the chair moved about half a cycle out of phase with the rest of her: The chair would move her to the left then reverse direction, but parts of the young lady would continue moving left for a bit before elastically rebounding to catch up with the rest of her. Then the cycle would repeat. It was getting very hard to read.

MnowwoomgabzzzMnowwoomgabzzzMnowwoomgabzzz...

Oh, man! This was all three modes at once, high-frequency jiggle, up and down, and side to side. Try to picture the physics of it: try to imagine the overall effect. If you're having trouble imagining it, let me just say that if the young lady had been wearing tassels, they would have swung in circles. You know the phrase, "like two puppies wrestling under a blanket?" Well, it was like that, except that her puppies were synchronized.

I knew I shouldn't look, but it was mesmerizing. With all my willpower, I kept my eyes on the page, but still was all too aware of what was going on just out of direct vision. I hoped fervently that one of us would have our appointment called before the receptionist noticed I'd been on the same page for the last 10 minutes.

GET ME OUT OF HERE!

And, at last, my name was called.

Yours in good dental hygiene,
Fred