July 3, 2012
5 Questions for the Higgs Boson Particle
An Exclusive Interview
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – The Higgs boson particle has been everywhere these days – on TV, in newspapers and magazines, courtside at the NBA Finals with Kanye West. We caught up with him as he took a breather for the 4th of July, at his home in East Hampton.
Q: First of all – and I have to ask this – “God particle?” Really? Who started that?
A: I have gotten so much shit for that! (laughs) I don’t know where that started. Probably TMZ or somewhere! Look, if people want to call me that because they like what I do… well, I’m humbled. It’s cool to know that what you do makes people happy. I love my fans. But God particle? I don’t think so! I can’t even get my iPhone to sync. (laughs)
Q: Speaking of what you do… what do you do, exactly?
A: Probably what I’m best known for, for better or worse, is making atomic particles have mass. But I don’t want to be pigeonholed as that, because I don’t want to put limits on what I plan to do in the future. Like, right now I’m doing a lot of things that don’t involve atomic particles or mass or anything like that. For example, my menswear line. It’s a joint venture between me and Hugo Boss. It’s going to be called either Higgs Boss or Hugo Boson. Or we may go a whole different way and call it H. Biggy. My branding team is into it right now. I haven't been this excited about something I've been involved in since I created the universe. Also, there's gonna be a fragrance.
Q: There’s been a lot written about tension in your relationship with Peter Higgs, one of the scientists who discovered you. Any truth to the rumors?
A. Peter and I are both very passionate about what we do, and when you put a passionate human being and a passionate subatomic particle together there’s bound to be friction. We fight like brothers sometimes, but it’s only because we care so deeply about what we’re doing and we want to make it perfect. But as far as what happened in the club last week, no, I did not throw a bottle at his head.
Q: Okay, be honest, and no false modesty here: is there anything the Higgs boson can’t do?
A: Honest answer? I want to be considered the Michael Jordan of subatomic particles. By that I mean, Michael Jordan might not have been the most physically gifted player in the history of the NBA, but nobody worked harder at his game than he did. That’s what I’m all about. Whether it’s giving mass to matter, breaking electroweak symmetry or explaining the origin of the universe and whatnot, I believe I can do it all.
Q: Could you have kept Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise together?
A: Shit no! (laugh)